I know that I shouldn’t be procrastinating already seeing as my first papers are due in exactly 6 days and it’s only 3 weeks into this school routine, but what can I say, it’s a natural state for me. I caught myself watching Burlesque last night, and thoroughly enjoying it. Like, crying because I felt bad for Cher enjoying it. Talk about pitiful. But sometimes you just can’t sit down and bang out a paper on a Saturday night. It isn’t always in the cards. So you do something else – anything else.
The problem with doing ‘anything else’ is that it usually involves doing something boring that leaves you feeling extra depressed afterwards. Not only did you not get your work done, you also just did a shitty load of nothing. The WORST. So, to procrastinate, I made a list of 50 things you can do to procrastinate that won’t actually make you feel like balls afterwards. I mean, they may not make you feel great but at least they’re on a different level than watching those six Seinfeld episodes that you have memorized.
⚓ Write an entire stand-up comic act and perform it in front of a mirror
⚓ Watch an entire season of a TV show you’ve never seen before
⚓ Write your Christmas letter
⚓ Bedazzle something
⚓ Make a fort & read Grimm’s fairy tales in it
⚓ Alternatively, waste three rolls of toilet paper and turn your house into a spider web. Tag your Mom in it on Facebook and be like “bitch, what you gon’ do about it!”
⚓ Take a dog for a walk (or let it walk you)
⚓ Wear big sunglasses and costume jewelery in the bath. Convince yourself you’re too rich to have to write your own papers/clean your own kitchen/ change your own oil. Yell continuously for a man named Claude to bring you a glass of champagne.
⚓ See how long you can hold a hand stand against the wall for before you pass out
⚓ Create a dance move you’re convinced will become the new “Twerk”. Put it on YouTube. Watch it get 5 whole views, overnight.
⚓ Plan your Halloween Costume
⚓ Meditate for two hours and claim a state of enlightenment
⚓ Try to play darts with thumbtacks
⚓ Read the very last page of every single book you own
⚓ Memorize a Shakespeare monologue. Props if it’s from one of the Histories.
⚓ Shamelessly and wildly apply for a job you know you won’t get in a far away city (you just made that HR persons Monday)
⚓ Follow a random cute person on Instagram and try to get them to like you in real life. People are getting married after meeting on Instagram these days. It’s a real thing.
⚓ Play Harriet the Spy with your neighbors and try to discover a deep dark secret of theirs by putting an empty campbell’s can against the wall and listening in.
⚓ Take all your coins out of that mason jar you have them in, stick them in a ziplock bag and shove them in the back of your toilet like a ghetto person in a cheap motel.
⚓ Download the P90X ab-ripper. Do every other exercise in between sips of beer.
⚓ Make a proper five year plan.
⚓ Find a recipe that you can make using the weirdest ingredients you have in your house.
⚓ Send a mass smiley face text to everyone in your phone. EVERYONE.
⚓ Watch Free Willy. Sob loudly when Willy jumps over the break wall.
⚓ Write your own “choose your own ending novel” and send it to your best friend. Make sure that the main character is your arch-nemesis and that all the endings are equally shitty.
⚓ Make sure you have an arch-nemesis. If you don’t, make one up.
⚓ Comment on 10 Facebook statuses of people who you aren’t even sure how ended up on your Facebook.
⚓ Call your grandmother and ask her for your favorite childhood recipe.
⚓ Find a country song you like.
⚓ Alternatively, if you already love country like me, listen to Drakes new album and pick a favorite.
⚓ While you’re at it, come up with 5 songs that best describe or depict the last five years of your life. Ask people you care to know more about what theirs are.
⚓ Send an e-card to your Mom. Make sure it sings.
⚓ Come up with your Super-hero name.
⚓ Then, come up with your Super-villain name. (Mine are both Scorpio Woman. So that one’s taken. Also, I’m going to have a pet Scorpion named Dilbert that I’ve bedazzled with Swarovski Crystals. Anyway.)
⚓ Learn all the dance moves to a Britney Spears music video.
⚓ Or, try to head bang for as long as the guys in Slipknot do while watching one of their live videos. You’ll end up with serious whip lash and will be able to request a medical extension from whatever is on your plate.
⚓ Listen to Chris Young and imagine how great he would be in bed.
⚓ Or, Olivia Wilde.
⚓ Write a harlequin romance novel. Make sure it’s either about Vampires or Cowboys. Because, you know, then I’ll read it.
⚓ Text a completely random number “you are the best looking one here.”
⚓ Write out all the qualities of the person you want to be and go be that person.
⚓ Hug yourself.
⚓ Learn how to make an origami elephant.
⚓ Order Chinese food and make sure you’re blasting “Kung Fu Fighting” when the delivery person arrives.
⚓ Download the script of your favorite movie and act the entire thing out.
⚓ Change your voicemail to something annoying like “hello? …… JUST KIDDING!”
⚓ Name your hypothetical future children.
⚓ Browse the “wanted” section on Craigslist. You never know what people are looking for.
⚓ Rearrange your living room.
⚓ Just… get to work already.
xo & yw